Don't Be Silly...

Soo....remember how "enlightened" I was last Sunday?? All refreshed and renewed and light and happy, etc, etc, etc... ???

Yeahhh, about that...........

It took all of 2 hours of being back in Austin, starting to attack that page-long to-do list that I had thought was SUCH a brilliant idea to put off, until I was gritting my teeth to the point that I had given myself a massive headache and had some nasty knots in my stomach.

Anxiety City, Population: Me!

It took me one hot shower and about half of the message that I missed two Sundays ago to realize something:

It was so incredibly silly of me to think that all it would take for me to find some peace that would last, is a weekend of relaxation. I still stand by everything I said last week – don't get me wrong – but it was just so silly to think that was some magic fix to all my anxiety!

I started reflecting on that fact and kind of kept it up all week – today in church that point finally hit home in its own way...

We had "Story Sunday" and watched videos of three stories of people in our church who have been truly living out their lives for Christ and we got to – albeit briefly and summarized – watch Him work in and through them.

I couldn't help but be reminded of my high school and early-college self who gained such a deep desire to change the world:

I wanted to become a photojournalist, I wanted to go into war-torn places like the Sudan, (that was the main goal, I would see where the world took me from there) and really be the one who showed the world what was going on in a way that would make people really care.

I miss that adventurer in myself sometimes, but what I really reflected on today was that in those years of my life I know for a fact that I didn't desire that profession and adventure in my life for all the right reasons. I mean, I had GREAT intentions. I wanted to be a catalyst – however big or small – in making the world a better place. But, because I know who I was in those years...I know I didn't want to go do God's work...I wanted to do my work! 

What really and truly, without a doubt, hit home for me today – the point that brings this whole rambley post together – is that we can NOT keep compartmentalizing our lives if we truly want Christ to be making a difference in and through us. 

And, I'm a PRO at compartmentalizing – I'm like one of those awesome little tupperware containers that you could pack like all three meals in at once! 

Hello, I work in an industry that can get very dirty if you let it. So, compartmentalizing is something that comes naturally for most of us, I think. Especially if you do have that desire to live in Christ, but you also have that crazy drive to accomplish your political goals – whatever those may be.

It's less than popular to bring your faith into politics right now – and that is a ridiculous understatement.

Therefore, it's going to be a challenge – but one I think I'm finally ready to take on. (Luckily I work with some pretty amazing, God-fearing guys!) Sitting here right now, I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is going to be something I struggle with...but, eventually He'll get it right... 

People who have known me for a while may find this post bizarre – or maybe you knew me better than I knew myself and realize (as I finally have) that I'm finally becoming the person I was always meant to be – slowly, but surely...

It takes some time to realize that only through Him can we find that peace that surpasses all understanding...and it was so silly of me to think otherwise.

Learning to Just Exist

So, I spent the weekend "house-sitting" for my parents while they are on a trip...(aka: using their laundry room, watching their On Demand, and...well, drinking their wine! hah)

So this was basically an excuse to "get-away" for free, and it ended up paying off more than I ever really expected. You don't really expect to go to your parents' house for the weekend and gain a new perspective on things...

It's probably been a good decade since I've spent much time in that place alone. My parents never travelled without me tagging along when I was younger, and if they did I always had friends nearby to spend that time with. And when you're a teenager you don't really spend much time reflecting on things...I mean, what is there to "reflect" on at 16...?

...what is there to "reflect" on at 23?!

So, thanks to some insane storms finally bringing some perfect weather behind them, I ended up spending most of my weekend outside with this view:

It's amazing how you can grow up in a place – come visit all the time once you've moved out – but never truly appreciate it...

I had this realization of how completely proud I am of my parents. They have busted it to get where they are. They busted it to get me where I am and my brother where he is. And once you realize how much complete and utter respect you have for your parents you start thinking about your life and whether they will have that mutual feeling of respect and pride in who you have become and are on track to become. And...honestly...if you will end up with kids who have that same feeling about you when they're your age.

Anyways – I basically had a little "Eat, Pray, Love moment" on my parents' back porch while grilling and drinking wine...one of those moments of clarity, and then of comfort, and then of determination.

I didn't even have to pay tons of money and travel the world to do so! 
(...not that I'm opposed to doing that sometime...)

I've been trying to "grow up" all at once...I told myself I would do that once I graduated college, naturally! And, I'm not opposed to quickly getting my life together. It's a fantastic feeling. But it also – if you're like me – makes you put a LOT of pressure on yourself. And, so far putting that pressure on myself has gotten me to a really fantastic place, really quickly! 

But, if you're not careful you will start to stress yourself out about the smallest things in the world. (Again, if you're anything like me...) 

I am the QUEEN of making mountains out of molehills. 

Sometimes it takes a little retreat from reality to get a real sense of why you put this pressure on yourself and to what extent you should keep it up. 

I was at a point where I was just getting completely burnt out on things that I absolutely love doing. 

I had to put aside the page-long to-do list I gave myself for the weekend and just be with myself for a little bit. Breathe some fresh air. Teach myself how to light my parents' grill (okay, they talked me through it...but I didn't want to blow up their house while they were gone...). 

Just sit and watch the sunset from start to stars – and then sit and watch those for a bit. 

I highly encourage it. Especially for my friends in politics. We went from session, to special sessions 1-3, to primary season... 

Most of y'all aren't brand new to this world like I am...but, you've been going just as nonstop as I have. 

You really have to take a day or two. Learn to be with yourself. Ask God to clear your head. Put aside the to-do list. 

...and just exist...

Everyone can't stand under your umbrella...they won't fit!

You know what really exhausts me?

Like, actually physically exhausts me...?

You know, aside from the fact that I decided to start working my butt off, start working out 6 days-a-week before work, and develop a new-found addiction to catching up on Castle episodes late into the night hoping one day Castle and Beckett will FINALLY get together...all at the same moment in time...

(but I digress...)

What exhausts me? People. The stupid kind.

More specifically the stupid kind that have been telling me, and others around me (and not-so around me), to "stop eating our own."

This has sincerely been on my mind for weeks. There have been so many instances lately where I have been told this, or seen or heard someone else scolded with some version of this little phrase – in a number of different capacities...
...in terms of religion, politics, any sort of personal beliefs etc. etc. etc. 

And there is one simple answer that I really have not heard anyone express...

"They are not 'my own'..." It's as simple as that.

Shocking, I know...but just because I share some very, very basic trait or belief with someone...or some group...does not mean that I have some instant loyalty to them.

Now, this is not to say that I think we should all have free reign to attack each other at will. I'm not trying to re-live high school – and let's be quite honest: college...the 83rd session...uhhh, yesterday? heh – and just go sh*t-talk crazy, be the next gossip-queen or Perez Hilton or WHATEVER!

What I AM saying is this: if a person or group does something that I don't agree with, does something that is worth being criticized publicly, I will do just that. I don't care if it's a church, a church-goer, a religious person of any-branch, a "Republican" or anyone else that people could possibly identify as "my own."

Are you honestly going to sit there and tell me that because I was raised Baptist I can't criticize the shocking and disgusting "protest" tactics of Westboro Baptist Church?

That just because someone sells their self as a Republican or a conservative I can't criticize them if they go and do something completely against what they claim they stand for?

Get it together, people.

You either have a set of personal beliefs that you identify with and believe in to your very core, or you "identify" with the name of those beliefs you think you have. 

It's okay to be more selective with who you include under your umbrellas. In fact, it's incredibly necessary!

So, don't sit there and tell me not to "eat my own," because chances are if you have a reason to say that to me, then whoever or whatever I am calling out – they're not "my own."